Here’s Chapter 1, Part 4 of my new novel, Dates with God. Today’s excerpt is Kate’s first letter. This novel is a collection of the letters that four women who I made up write when they take the Mothers Who Know.Class. Check back on my previous blog posts for this past week to get the first letters of the three other women. Next week I will post letter #2 of each mom. In today’s post we meet Kate. Kate is a mom of 8 who struggles with food addictions and being overweight. She just found out her husband has cancer.
If you have any feedback for me on this part, let me know in the comments below please.
Letter #1 Kate
First of all, it feels weird to write to Thee, as if I am at summer camp, writing home to my parents. I am used to writing journal entries but I haven’t ever addressed journal entries to anybody before. In this Book of Mormon-based self-improvement class that I am taking called Mothers Who Know, I’m supposed to write to someone, a letter, every day. I wonder why it’s so important that these have to be “letters to God” or someone else, and not just journal entries.
It almost seems superfluous to write to Thee, because Thou already knows everything I am going to write, because Thou knows everything. I guess you could say the same thing about prayer. Why are we commanded to pray when whatever we say, Thou already knows? I have felt puzzled for years about how if Thou knows what is best, and Thou art omnipotent, then does my praying change anything? Thy will is already being expressed in the form of the way the universe is running, so does my praying change anything? I decided to look up prayer in the LDS Bible Dictionary and read what it says about “prayer.” I really like this part, “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.” (from LDS Bible Dictionary entry on prayer)
So it’s not that I am saying anything that Thou doesn’t already know, or changing Thy will, but when I pray and write these letters to Thee, somehow in my physical expression of the words, that helps me get my will in line with Thine. I guess prayers don’t really help Thee at all, they are totally for Thy children’s sake.
I’m thinking of that scripture, “Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not.” (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36) I feel that praying to Thee, and also writing to Thee, is the best way I can look to Thee. I want to feel less doubt and less fear. Maybe if I look to Thee through prayer and writing, Christ can meet me more than halfway and I can feel less doubt and fear.
Thou led me to a perfect class for me. Of course Thou already knew that. A friend sent me an email about this class. I knew instantly it was an answer to my prayers. Thou knowest I’ve been asking for help. I feel so discouraged about David’s condition. The doctor says he has cancer.
I’ve had a hard time thinking about anything else but this grim diagnosis. We’re not ready to tell anyone else about it. Not even the kids. On the outside we look like such a happy couple. We are so in love. Why is this happening to us? It just doesn’t seem right.
Well, in this class I’m supposed to pick three Girl Goals. I am kind of hoping that somehow these goals will keep the normalcy in my life so the fear of the future doesn’t spin me out of control.
1. Track my food intake, and limit it to 1500 calories. Now that I have Dave’s cancer looming over me, I might fall into emotional eating more than ever. It’s so important that I don’t let that happen. I’m already over 285 pounds. I don’t want to get any bigger, and I would like to be smaller, but I have just about given up hope for that. Hopefully I can at least maintain where I am.
2. Get to bed by 10 PM.
3. Exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week. That gives me a day off during the weekdays if I want to push an exercise day on to Saturday, and I can take Sunday off as well.
I’ve tried so many diets. I know I want to lose at least 100 lbs, maybe 150, but like I said, I have just about given up hope on any diet working. The cravings come and I just feel like I am going to die if I don’t give in. I know it would help the family if I stayed off sugar, because it makes me get into my animal brain, but I don’t want to give it up. I was just talking yesterday with some friends and I found out that one of them lost more than 100 lbs a long time ago. She started emotional eating when she lost a child shortly after birth. In her grief, she became addicted to overeating. I know, to the depths of my heart that I am a food and sugar addict. If I don’t have some kind of structure with tracking and accountability, I will start eating to numb the pain about David’s cancer. My friend inspires me! If she can start exercising, when she was over 300 pounds, I surely can. I ask Thee to please help me remember these goals and follow through on them, even when I don’t feel like it.
I am fighting to leave a legacy to my family and friends to have the same thing said of me, that is said of Moroni, in Alma 48, but as it applies to women. If all women were like me, the very powers of hell would be shaken forever. That certainly isn’t true now, I know I have so many sins and weaknesses that the “very powers of hell” don’t even quiver. Satan better watch out though, because I am so on to him now and his wily ways! Soon that statement will be true, I hope within the next year, and it will stay true forever more!