Here’s Dates with God, Chapter 4: Part 2, Jill’s Letter #4, in which Jill adequately avoids the appraising eyebrows, while in Costco, of her former-best-friend-cheerleader-from-high-school whom she hasn’t seen in years.
What technique did the enemy use on me to get me to lose my most recent difficult battle? It’s a long story. Here goes. I had to do errands and that took much longer that I had planned. First off, I had to go to the dry cleaners, then the bank, then Walmart, then Costco, with three little kids in tow. My worst nightmare happened while shopping when I happened to see one of my high school cheerleader friends far away across the store. Thank you God for letting me see her first before she saw me! It was Cami Knight. Aargh! I totally did not want her to see me. How could I avoid her? I have gained about 20 pounds since I last saw her. I felt totally frumpy with my t-shirt and sweats on and no makeup and two months of roots showing. Lacy had some holey jeans on, Mackenzie’s hair wasn’t even combed because I had to get out the door at a certain time, and Tanner ‘s nose had been constantly running so he had some dried goobers I couldn’t get off because I was out of baby wipes and the tissues aren’t wet enough.
Before I could even think of an escape route, she turned and walked away. Whew! I was temporarily saved from the walking Facebook. By that I mean she was social media before it ever was. Always talking to people, finding out what everybody was doing, who was dating who, who was crushing on who, sharing everybody’s news with everyone and then asking you how you felt about the news and broadcasting how you and she felt about everything. Her super high energy and ambition allowed her to become yearbook editor on top of being cheerleader so she strategically posted as many selfies in the yearbook as she could before selfies were even a name. It has been about 10 years since I have seen her. Hmmm…I couldn’t help but notice that she had obviously had some plastic surgery help with her breasts. I couldn’t tell if she still had a thigh gap because she was wearing a skirt. That was something we talked about all the time back then. Wow, I don’t even care about such things now.
We haven’t talked in years. I lost track of her after I got married way before she did and started having kids. It’s funny how marriage and having kids changes who your friends are. She had stayed single for a long time, then got married, and had two kids, very widely-spaced apart. Just from seeing her Facebook posts, I could tell we live in extremely different worlds. I was in no mood to connect with her and feel such appraising, glamorous eyes on me. I was not ready for the “judging by the raised eyebrows” look. She was my best friend in high school, so I remember those looks. We did cheerleading together. As I was contemplating my not-fit-to-be-seen-by-Cami appearance I asked myself what emotions was I feeling?
Definitely stress, fear, and feeling ugly and fat on top of those. Not to mention feeling inadequate and unworthy. All the feelings from high school came back to me. Knowing I would see Cami’s judging eyes every morning was a huge motivation to spend every penny of money I earned at McDonalds on brand-name clothes. Cami was the best-dressed girl in the school, and as I got more and more brand name clothes, I gradually felt my approval rating with her rise until I reached the rank of “Cami’s best friend.” After having all these high school memories come back, I recorded my feelings as notes on my smartphone. I headed to the produce section. Surely Cami wouldn’t be buying any broccoli. She never ate anything remotely healthy. Lunch for her was a bag of M & M’s and a diet Pepsi. I peered cautiously around the corner to see if the coast was clear, then proceeded to the apples. I was getting some when I saw her coming out of the corner of my eye. I retreated with the adrenaline racing to the baby clothes section. Cami always said she was only having 2 kids, and I knew from Facebook that her youngest was 7. So it was a fat chance she’d be looking for baby stuff. I spent the next hour dodging her. I felt my heart racing the whole time. Every ten minutes my phone alarm went off and I recorded the increasing buildup of feelings. Finally, as I was hiding behind a display of Hello Kitty umbrellas, I saw her leave. Whew!
Later in the day I lost my battle with getting a dinner on time. I actually did the Lost Battle Analysis and traced the roots of the lost battle to the Cami sighting. After I got home, the older kids were home from school. Usually I try to be home when they get there but my Cami avoidance cost me an extra hour. After I greeted them and saw them getting their snacks and into homework I settled into Facebook. I put my phone by me with the timer set right by me so I could come off after an hour and meet my Girl Goal. The first thing I did was change my Facebook profile picture and cover photo to something more showy. Then I posted 10 links to tutorials on 3 of my blogs: my fashion blog, my princess hairstyles blog, and my home decorating blog. I noticed the ads on my blogs were showing products for Zendo company. Lauren had told me she doesn’t like any ads from Zendo because they use child slave labor in Cambodia. I had been meaning to do something about that so I attempted to get online help from the customer service people of my blogging network. I couldn’t get any immediate response so I decided to call. While was on hold waiting for someone, I took a peek at Cami’s Facebook page. She had pictures of her latest cruise to Kokomo, then before that she had pictures of her new mansion.
Then Taylor came to me and asked where his poster and paints were. “What?!?!” I asked Aack! I was supposed to pick up black poster board plus neon paints for his homework while I was out doing errands. I had completely forgotten all about that! Because I had promised him that I would do it today, and had forgotten, I felt like such a dingbat/dirtbag. His project was due tomorrow! I had already put him off getting the stuff all week. It wasn’t his fault that the deadline was tomorrow, he really hadn’t been procrastinating. It was me! I couldn’t take him after dinner because he was going to a Jazz basketball game with his Jr. Jazz team, which he had been looking forward to all season. He had a small window of time to create his timeline of ancient Egypt. So we went to Target and then it was after 6 when we headed home. I was sooo hungry so I picked up some Burger King on the way.
It was only after I woke up the next morning that I realized that dinner last night was the third night this week of non-home-cooked dinners. Noooooo!!!! I had used up my two nights a week of restaurant food so I missed at my goal of doing a made-from-scratch dinner 5 nights a week. WAAAHHH! I am so tired of losing.
I am writing this Lost Battle Analysis now, before I forget any more details.
Q5 “Where and when were you when you said forget it?”
I didn’t really say forget it when I went through the drive-thru, but that is the action that shows that I lost. I’m still figuring this one out. It was at the drive-thru when I got the food that sealed the fact that I did not serve home-cooked food for my family that night.
Q4 “Where and when were you when you had a stupid conversation?”
Hmmm…I am having a hard time identifying that. I don’t think I had one. I just decided to get the food. There wasn’t any stupid conversation. Maybe that’s my problem. Half the time I can’t tell.
Q3 “Where and when were you when you had the first thought of temptation.”
I was in the intersection at the car wash and thought, I am so hungry! The kids are going to be whining at me when I get home or into the candy. I’ve got to stop and get something so we can eat as soon as we get home.
Q2 “Where and when were you when you had the build-up of negative feelings?” That one is easy. It was at Walmart fleeing Cami.
Q1 “Where and when were you when you had the first chemical spill?” Hmmm. That one is hard. I learned in class that if you can’t easily find an answer for this one, ask yourself “When was the last time you were at a Level Zero?”
Hmmm…that is a tough one. Maybe it was as long ago as over a week ago. First off, it was my 40th birthday over a week ago. I had hoped that
to be continued! Come back tomorrow for Chapter 4, part 3, Kate’s Letter #4.