In today’s installment of my novel Dates with God, we see Kate go deeper in her sugar addiction, find some Mother Bear Chemistry, get confused by her cancer research, and have recurring dreams calling her to have a baby. Here’s Chapter 4: Part 3, Kate’s Week #4.
Kate Week #4
I got some great insights from reading Alma 54. The first insight is that Moroni, in communicating with the enemy, uses stratagem. We’ve seen Moroni use stratagem in going to battles with the enemy but now we see him actually using stratagem in just communicating with the enemy. So that is a great lesson to us to use stratagem in communicating with the devil. We can’t just communicate willy nilly with him. We have to always have it foremost in our minds just exactly how sneaky, craven, despicable, unsportsmanlike, cheating, deplorably icky, creepy, destructive, and dastardly he is. We have to use stratagem so we are always on our guard with the upper hand and communicate clearly and strongly with him. So lately sometimes when I realize I am at Level 3, hearing a lie that’s a Dude Moment, I will just say right out loud, “That’s not true, that’s a lie! Get thee hence, Satan!” Then I strike my yoga warrior pose and do some stuff that I am going to write about in a little bit.
Second point that I got from the chapter is that the Lamanites have been passing down a satanic spin for generations, with the same lie at the core of the spin. In Alma 54:23 Amaron says that he is a descendant of Zoram, whom he says was “pressed and brought out of Jerusalem.” So Amaron feels that Zoram was kidnapped by the Nephites. Hmmm…I hadn’t thought about it that way. Was he really kidnapped? I checked out the story in 1 Nephi 4. I found that it says that Nephi told Zoram, that he could be a “freeman” if he came with Nephi. So for some reason that I don’t know, Zoram would not have been free if he stayed in Jerusalem. The scripture passage says that he was Laban’s servant. Does that mean a type of slave? Possibly. The truth is that Zoram was offered his freedom by Nephi. This was an escape from bondage, not being pressed into bondage. This contrasts with what Amaron implied which is that Zoram was brought out of Jerusalem against his will. This is an example of how the truth of an event can get twisted into a lie and then passed down as a lie through generations. Or, not even passed through generations but through the lifetime of a person. As I have been thinking about it I realized that hey, Zoram would not have been free if he stayed in Jerusalem, because not only would he have remained a servant, but even worse, he would have been killed. Jerusalem was destroyed, just like Lehi saw in his vision! That statement that had been passed down from generation to generation about Zoram being put into bondage was a total lie! It makes me wonder what lies are subconsciously going on inside me that have been passed down from generations.
I have decided to change my goals. At least one. The 1500 calories a day one to a different diet-related goal. I’ve been researching about cancer prevention. A lot of people say animal products cause cancer. I think I need to get my family especially Dave, on a vegetarian diet, and maybe a raw diet. So my new goal is no animal products for the whole family. As part of that I am going to be serving either a green smoothie or salad at every meal.
I’ve been doing the drill of having my phone go off every hour and asking myself which Level I am at on the chemical scale. I think at least half the time I’m at Level 2, usually feeling sad and depressed about Dave’s possible impending death. If I am at Level 2, What I usually do to fight back is to say what I wrote above about getting hence, then I strike my yoga warrior pose, then I either go cuddle with my kids and read a picture book from my basket of favorite picture books, go jump on my mini-trampoline for 10 minutes, or I go look at a picture of my family with 5 generations including me, my baby, my mom, and my grandma and great grandma. It reminds me of the chain of life we’re in and that families are eternal. That I am part of something bigger than me that lasts longer than this life. Then I look at the family picture of our family taken a year ago. We all look so happy! After I look at these pictures, then I sit down and play the piano till I don’t don’t feel sad anymore.
I am realizing now that I used to medicate my feelings of fear and stress in Level 2 moments like this, with food, especially sugar. It’s really hard, but I don’t do that anymore. I was driving from Matthew’s piano lesson the other day. It was rainy and gloomy. I sooo wanted to stop at Krispy Kreme and get some donuts to bring home to lighten the mood! I was thinking, it’s not an official goal to be off sugar. I can have a donut. I started to turn in that direction of the store. I don’t know what exactly happened, I think angels came and took over the driving because I ended up at my house. It was God’s grace that saved me in that moment.
I’ve been thinking about what generates Mother Bear Chemistry for me. I’ve been thinking about it all week. I’ve been thinking about the lady in my ward who brought over all that sugar a few weeks ago. That definitely brings it up for me. I know she meant no harm, she actually thought she was doing a kind thing. I am not feeling mother bearish towards her so much as I feel mother bearish about the culture that has created such a cheap, non-nutritious, addictive substance that attacks everyone from the cradle, actually, even the womb, to the rest home.
Another scenario that brings it up for me is thinking about my brother, Ryan. He is fighting for his life against his porn addiction. He got exposed at a friend’s house when he was 10 on a sleepover and he’s been addicted ever since. Now he’s 24 with a wife and two kids. His poor wife has a shell for a husband. I think about the devil sitting on top of a computer, stealthily throwing darts at him when he was this innocent 10 year old, and it sure brings up the MBC for me! He was such a cute, loving kid and now he’s a shell of a man, or shall I say, a shell of a boy, in a man’s body. The devil ensnared him in bondage before he even had a chance to grow up. Grrr!!! I found this scripture just the other day. It shows that Thou, God, knew that satan would be getting people into chains of bondage. Thou showed a vision to Enoch about it. This is the scripture, it’s Moses 7:26: “And he beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced.” Knowing that satan laughs at us when he has my brother in the chain of pornography, and me in the chains of my self-defeating behaviors, like emotional eating of sugar, makes me so mad! I just want to go chew something raw and then go fight for my life! I love a good fight and I am never going down! I am like a dog who won’t ever let go his bone!
Last night, it happened again. I dreamt for the 4th time this month that I gave birth to a baby girl. OK God, I get the picture! You want me to have a baby! But do you really want me to have another one with cancer going on in Dave’s body and death in his near future? Please help me to have the courage to pray about it. I feel so confused.