Photo Credit: Cherae and Brandon’s blog

A few weeks ago I attended a Healthy Marriage Seminar presented by a couple whose marriage has been threatened by the husband’s porn addiction. They have been seeing the awesome Maurice Harker of Life Changing Services for counseling. After the couple, Cherae and Brandon, spoke, Maurice shared some principles for a healthy marriage. Much of the material he used was taken from his forthcoming book, I’m Not Okay, Your’e Not Okay. You can get a preview of the book/handouts based on the book here along with how to get a digital copy of the draft for $5.

Cherae and Brandon have a blog over here. You can go there and read the earlier blog posts to read their story, and how Cherae finally had her suspicions confirmed that Brandon was a porn addict. He also confessed to having more than one affair. This came out 11 months ago, right before Christmas. Of course she was devastated but also relieved  to finally have her suspicions that the Holy Ghost had given to her during their 15 year marriage confirmed.

These are ten tips that Cherae shared on what has helped her get through this crisis.

1. Pray and ask God if He wants you to stay with your husband or end the marriage. God knows what is best for your situation because He knows the future and if your husband will change. In Cherae’s situation she said that she was ready to divorce him, because of all the awful things he had done, but God assured her that Brandon could change so He said she should stay.

2. Get counseling. I highly recommend Maurice and his associates, who make up the counseling group Life Changing Services. They are LDS based and very skilled. I believe they can hold counseling sessions by videoconferencing if you live a long distance away. (Editor’s note, if you need help paying for counseling your bishop may be willing to help pay. It’s worth asking. Or you can contact Hart for Healing for money to pay for counseling.)

3. Learn how to be in Pioneer Woman Mode. Maurice come up with this concept, which he taught to Cherae. You can read handouts about it here.

This mode involves how to create boundaries with your husband and some accountability for his actions and what to do if he slips up.

4. Focus on the things that you are 100% in control of. Don’t focus on the things, like your husband’s actions and issues, that you have no control over. For Cherae these things were: 1. homemaking, 2. taking care of kids, and 3. church job.

5. Write in your journal everyday. Cherae said she fell in love with journal writing and got a lot of comfort from it. (Editor’s note, instead of surface-y journal writing, write letters to God, to yourself, or to your husband or kids. This is something we learn to do in the Eternal Warriors/Mothers Who Know class that Maurice Harker and Aneladee Milne created for self-mastery and addiction prevention).

6. Create daily rituals that help you feel safe and secure and connected to God, so that you are stable no matter what your husband does.

Cherae said that every afternoon she would go upstairs and turn the light on in her bedroom by her bed, so that when she went to go to bed at night the light would already be on and she would feel warmth and light. She would get ready for bed and then without fail, do her nightly rituals of reading her scriptures, writing in her journal and praying.

7. Get Covenant Eye for all computers and Internet based devices that your husband uses. It tracks the history of web sites viewed and reports them to Cherae.

8. Join the WORTH Group. This is a group for women who have been traumatized and abused because of their husband’s addictions. It is a weekly support group. They offer once a week morning and evening meetings. 

9. Read Like Dragons Did they Fight. It will help you understand how to fight your own moments of self-betrayal.

10. Know that this is not your fault. It did not happen because you are not thin enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough. It happened because your husband has issues, which have nothing to do with you.

11. Listen to church music.

12. Listen to the Mormon Channel’s Enduring It Well series, especially the one about pornography. Cherae said it features her best friend, Polly, who lives in her ward and was her angel mentor, guiding her through this healing process because she had “been there, done that.”

I ended up winning one of the books from the drawing that they had after Maurice spoke! I wasn’t focused on my name being drawn, until the fourth of four books was about to be given away. Then I thought, “OK, focus on your number, focus, focus!” and then the ladies drew my number!  I am excited to give it away to one of you dear readers, since I already have two copies. Please comment below if you want to to be entered into the drawing. I will probably do the drawing the first week of December sometime, after my missionary son gets home and things settle down a bit before the Christmas prep.