Tree of Life Mothering

Today was a fabulous day! It was sunny, and I got to go to the TEDX Salt Lake City Conference and hang out with my 17 year old and some of his cool friends as volunteers. The above video shows these great kids. They have a blog over here, I encourage you to go check it out and show the videos and share the articles with your youth. We are all meant to be excellent! I can’t wait to see what these teens do in the next 20 years or so!

If you don’t like rubbery chicken and want a fresh idea for a chicken dinner, check out this recipe from Sarah Ballantyne, PhD, the Paleomom! It looks delicious!

Today we have Jill’s Letter #7 from my novel, Dates with God: How Four Mormon Mamas Beat Satan with the Book of Mormon. We see that Jill finally reads the homework assignments for the class. She actually does one of the assignments which gives her huge insights into how satan works on her. We see her conquer the temptation to flee her house and go flirt with the handsome produce clerk at her nearby grocery store.

Jill’s Letter #7

 

Dear God,

 

How did I see Thy hand in my life today God? I saw it in the form of my home teacher who came over and fixed the huge gaping hole in our fence. Rob mentioned to him last night that he needed help fixing it and before noon today the guy was over to get the job done. It’s a relief to know I can let the younger ones play in the fenced back yard without me being out there. So I thank Thee God for a home teacher who is willing to ask what help we need and then quickly follow through.

 

I finally decided to open up the pile of emails with the homework assignments for this class. After so many weeks of losing battles I was feeling hopelessly discouraged. I was praying about how to change that and after I prayed, It was amazing. I heard a voice in my head that said, “Do the homework.”

 

What?! I didn’t even notice that there was homework. I guess I have been leaving the class early before it is announced, and then I was not checking my emails to know. So I went to my emails the next morning, after the baby got me up and wouldn’t go back to sleep. For some reason I found and opened Week #3’s email first. It said to set a timer to go off every 15 minutes and ask yourself what level are you at on the chemical scale. So miracle of miracles, I actually was able to do this for a few days. This is what happened yesterday:

 

5:24 AM Had just been awakened by the baby. Was mad because I wasn’t done sleeping. Level 2. I had the thought, “Just go eat some chocolates that are hiding in the top cupboard.” So I quickly moved to Level 3 on the Chemical Scale.

 

9:34 AM Remembered to start the timer on the phone and to put the phone where I will hear it. Was bugged that I couldn’t find the phone to hear the alarm for over two hours before this. I think the kids had dropped it in the laundry basket after I asked Austin to text Becky a message for me. It was muffled under the clothes so I didn’t hear it. Level 2.

 

9:49 The timer went off at 9:39. It had taken me ten minutes to have some space and time to write this amidst all of the kids’ demands. And also to find a pen. Everything in this house has legs. My mom’s words are always echoing in my head “A place for everything and everything in its place.” I agree! However, children don’t stay in their places and they are constantly touching and moving things out of their places! Can I just have a place for the kids to stay, like their beds? I felt aggravated by not being able to find a pen, and also aggravated that the dishes still weren’t done. It was Saturday. I was picking up the living room so I could overhear what was happening in the kitchen. I had found some dirty socks wadded up behind the couch. Then some snot wiped on the wall. So definitely more of Level 2.

 

Then I went back to check on the kids’ progress on the dishes. One of them was playing with the bubbles and had splashed a gallon of water on the floor. The other was staring at a catalog left on the counter. I blew up at the kids and told them to get back to work. I had the thought, “Just go put your makeup on and go to the store, leaving the oldest in charge, maybe Dustin is there.” That was definitely Level 3, a Dude Moment. Dustin is one of the produce clerks at the grocery store, and whenever he sees me there he starts flirting with me. I can’t deny that I don’t enjoy it. I acknowledge that I have purposefully dressed nice more than once when going to the store because I know he’s going to be there. I don’t think he realizes that I am a forty-something mother of 8. It sure beats dealing with all the stuff here at home. I realized that was a Dude Moment and resisted the thought/temptation and kept cleaning.

 

10:04 The baby spit up on me and had a diaper blowout, so I have just had to go change my clothes. I couldn’t find anything to wear. I already had planned on wearing my favorite top and jeans to a Girls Night Out. So I couldn’t wear the outfit now, just the day of, and risk it getting dirty. The only thing left that was clean for me to wear were my fat jeans and an orange shirt. I felt ugly in them. Again I had the thought to flee to Dustin’s adorations by the zucchini, with some glamorous earrings on and heels to distract from the orange shirt and jeans. Level 3 again. I told satan to get hence.

10:34 Finally started doing my Saturday mopping of the kitchen. I feel so much like Cinderella all the time, slaving away at housework with no thanks from anyone. It’s always Cinderella, before the ball, never after. Level 2.

For background information on the Chemical Scale, please read the book, Like Dragons Did They Fight, by Maurice Harker and Lucas Reynolds. You can read it for free as a Kindle edition! 

copyright 2015 Celestia Shumway

So what’s going on with Kate? Is she going to sink into emotional eating again to deal with her husband’s cancer? In today’s section from my novel, Dates With God, we watch Kate discover how to access more of heaven’s power by doing her Power Actions first thing in the morning. She discovers the power of drills because she loses her keys. She tests a scripture out to access help from God in finding the keys. She ups the quality of her Power Actions by using the Sunday School study guide and praying vocally in private. Here’s Dates With God, Chapter #7, Part 3: Kate’s Letter #7.

Kate #7

 

Dearest God,

 

Thou has such a beauty of economy, God. All we have to do is remember one thing. Then after we remember that one thing, which is Thine Only Begotten Son and His sacrifice to atone for us, all other things will come to us and fall into place, as needful. If I remember this one thing, the Savior, then as it says in the sacrament prayer, Thou has promised to send me the Holy Ghost. And like it says in the scripture John 14:26, God will send me the Comforter which “shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” The Holy Ghost can teach me all things (Moroni 10:5) and bring all things that are needful to my remembrance.

 

This is huge! All things! I decided to test this. I mean, I need all the help I can get with knowing more and remembering more. I laugh when I look back at being 18 when I thought I knew everything and there was nothing more to figure out! I also feel like I am always losing things and not remembering where I put them. So the other day I had lost my phone. I was wanting to remember the last place I put my phone so I could search the area, but I couldn’t even remember what the last place was. So I thought of that scripture I just mentioned and did things to bring the Holy Ghost to me. So I did my Power actions in the morning, like I usually do.

 

For a while I have been praying out loud, vocally. A few weeks ago I reread the Joseph Smith story in Joseph Smith History 1. I was impressed that he prayed out loud and in solitude.  He got an amazing answer with the appearance of Thee. Of course I don’t expect such grandiose results every time I prayer, but it would be nice. I know it’s not part of your economy to appear to everyone when they pray. It would be nice some day if it is needed and I am ready and it’s part of Thine economy. For now I just want extra peace and mindfulness to stay on top of my daily Power actions, taking care of my family, and doing my drills. So I decided I better start praying out loud, using the additional power of my body with my voice, which satan doesn’t have. Joseph did write in Joseph Smith History 1:16 that he exerted “all his power” which includes the power of the body, to call upon Thee, and that’s how he overcame the enemy in that moment. So after I prayed vocally this morning in my bathroom, in private, since my closet isn’t big enough to kneel, I read the scriptures for 15 minutes, and then I wrote in my Girl Power journal.

 

I wrote down my testimony for my children of the Savior and the restoration of His gospel with the priesthood power in the latter-days. Then I prayed and asked Thee to help me by giving me a picture in my mind of where my purse was, exercising full faith in Thee. As soon as I said amen, a flash came to me, of my purse in the car. I went and sure enough, it was there! Then it all came back to me–when I pulled up in the driveway yesterday, my neighbor was on my doorstep with an armful of strawberries. I had rolled down the window to talk to her and she offered them to me and said she had more in her car. So I got out to help, and I sent my keys with Andrew to go unlock and open the door while I went and got more strawberries out of Tonya’s car. I had carried in the flats and left the purse in the car.

 

I am realizing that sometimes in my comings and goings I do things out of the ordinary that make me forget whatever the routine current task is. Usually I just put my keys and phone in my purse and bring it all to its resting place in the front closet by my front door. But if something changes, like having to help carry something with both hands, I sometimes don’t bring my purse in. So that’s why it’s so important that I have drills that are so embedded that I won’t forget things. I acknowledge to Thee that I am extremely mortal, God, so I need all the help to remember things that I can get.  

 

I noticed two examples in the scriptures that illustrated the importance of rituals being used to help someone remember and prepare for future attacks of the enemy to distract us. The first was Noah. When he was done living in the ark and God sent the dove with the branch to show that dry land was found, Noah came out. He had so much freedom after being cooped up in the ark. Did he start running around the dry land? Did he start looking for dead fish to eat? Did he find a pond and take a bath even though he must have been needing one so much? No, what did he do? He looked to Thee and not his own freedom-seeking pleasures. He offered up a sacrifice to obey the law of Moses, so that he could remember Thee and the future coming of Thy son. I realized that when I enter my afternoon, after we are done with our morning routine of chores, school, and lunch prep and cleanup, that I needed some kind of ritual like the “sacrifice on the altar after coming out of confinement in the ark” moment of Noah’s. That way I can remember Thee and the goals that Thou gave me before I embark into my land of free time. So this “altar moment” for me is to do a drill where I go look at myself in my bathroom mirror and ask myself what three things am I fighting for, why I am fighting, and why I don’t give up. Then I write down a list of things I am going to do between then and dinner time that support my goals, on 3×5 card, and I keep that card with me to remind me.

 

The second example is Lehi. After Thou warned Lehi in a dream about people coming to take his life, he fled with his family. After three days in the wilderness, Lehi built an altar of stones and offered a sacrifice.  It says in 1 Nephi 2 that after he gave the offering on the altar he gave thanks to Thee. Maybe after three days in the wilderness he finally felt lost and then he realized, oh yeah, it would help to remember God and offer a sacrifice. He received a lot of direction and blessings in the next years, including being led to the promised land. So God, I want to remember Thee so that I too can receive more instruction from Thee that will lead me to my promised land, freedom from the bondage of my current self-defeating behaviors.

I’ve been learning that to get specific help from Thee, in fighting my battles, I have to do my Power actions in a warrior way. This is part of that whole idea that Thou shares in the scriptures, “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.” My Warrior Power actions are the way I show that I am drawing near unto Thee. As a result, I ‘m doing fabulously well on my goals. I hit Day 28! I gave up on sticking to 1500 calories a day because it wasn’t reasonable, at least for right now. Maybe some day I will have that as a goal, after I build up to it. I replaced it with a no sugar goal, because I had to have a complete commitment to help me ward off the binges. And I hit Day 28 of no sugar!

 

What did I do right to win? I finally figured out how to stay off sugar and not have any binges. I found some tips on a blog [http://www.thehealthyhomeeconomist.com/slay-the-sugar-monster-in-four-doable-steps/] about how to get off sugar. The basic idea was to eliminate all the fake fat in my house and all the fake sweeteners. So I spent a day going through the pantry and I threw away all the canola oil and vegetable oils and all my white sugar treats and even the white sugar. It was really hard but I did it! Then I learned how to make treats out of natural sweeteners and natural fats, like honey, sucanat, molasses, and butter and coconut oil. I found some recipes using natural sweeteners and fats, like homemade chocolate and fudge. My homemade chocolate made with maple syrup, cocoa butter, and cocoa is the best! If I know I am going out for a party or pack meeting I will eat my own treats beforehand to the point of being barely satisfied. Then I drink a quart of water and feel full. Then I don’t even feel tempted or deprived when I see other people eating. I have felt so great! I love experimenting with all of these recipes!

 

I went to a fireside with Jill about depression that her stake did a few weeks ago. The speaker shared some truths about depression. One of them was that depression is a real thing that comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain. The brain is lacking  a certain chemical that allows the person to feel happy. The person isn’t lazy or bad. I think the same thing can be said of fat people. We aren’t lazy or bad. We just have a chemical imbalance in our physiology that makes us want to keep eating because we don’t feel nourished, either physically or emotionally. We are physically lacking a chemical  inside us, just like depressed people. I went on all those binges because I was still hungry, I felt lacking in something, so eventually I had to break down and eat and eat to get fulfilled. I have memories of doing this from way back in high school. Many times I would bake a pan of brownies and eat the whole thing. I also remember one time when there was no cocoa or sugar in the house, so I couldn’t make brownies. I was so hungry! I ended up binging on 13 slices of toast, slathered with peanut butter. Ever since I learned about using real food, including real fats made by Thee, not in a factory, and real sweeteners, I have actually felt a lot more satisfied.

 

We went for so many days, earlier in this class, eating food that was supposedly “healthy” because it was marketed as healthy, or vegan, or vegetarian, but a lot of that food was made in factories. I don’t think they did anything to improve Dave’s health. Dave is able to work a minimum schedule without doing extra projects, like finishing the basement. The bad news is that all of his markers for cancer are staying the same. I realized that maybe we still need to change his diet again. So I am looking into that.

My drills are working, when I work them, which is most of the time. When I work the plan, the plan works! Then I have success. Satan knows that and so he tries to distract me. Every day in the morning, I have to do the prophecy question, “How will the enemy attack me today to get me to fail at my goals and Power Actions? What do I need to do to fight the attack and win?” That question allows me to look over my day and see what snares of satan will arise through the day, because of the errands or appointments I have, with all the comings and going, that might make me forget my goals. I decided that I have to change the time of the drills so that they happen after I come home from something, to remind me of my goals.

 

That has worked! I was feeling a lot of hope, from doing the drills, until we got word just yesterday that the makers for the cancer are the same. Remember the priesthood blessing that Thou inspired Dave’s dad to give to him, a year ago, when we found out about the cancer? It said he would be restored to full health. So we are eagerly awaiting that. Based on that promise, we are even thinking about having another baby. I know it’s crazy! But with Thomas turning 2, I am getting that baby hunger again. I know so many people would think we are crazy for doing that. I don’t know. I do know that Thou gave us this promise so I am wondering why it’s taking so long. I am praying about having another baby. I guess it’s time to pray about it in a warrior way but I am scared to.

 

My warrior prayer is so much more powerful than my old way of praying, where I felt like I wasn’t making a connection with Thee. I like to imagine myself as a soldier in a war, reporting to Thee, as my Drill Sergeant, every morning for duty. After I thank Thee for my blessings, I tell Thee my plans and ask Thee to let me know if Thou wants me to change anything. I ask Thee to bless me to feel Thy love and radiate it to others through my actions of serving them. I also talk about my problems and battles and ask Thee to tell me exactly what I need to know to fight and win my battles. I use my morning prayer for asking for help with problems and I use my evening prayer for reporting on how I did and asking for feedback. After I pray, I wait a few minutes to ponder and listen to the Holy Ghost. I keep my journal to write down what the Spirit tells me.  I always pray in the morning, first thing after I get out of bed, and ask Thee to speak to me through Thy scriptures. I always do it vocally now, in my “secret place” of the bathroom. I also ask Thee to help me know what to do to help any of Thy children who need my help that day, including my own children.

 

Ever since that time when I got an answer from Thee of where to find my phone, I have been doing all of my Power Actions in the morning, except my evening prayer. I have seen such great results! I feel like I am showing Thee that I put Thee first by doing actions first thing in the morning to worship Thee and connect with Thee. For my warrior’s scripture reading, I read the scriptures in the Gospel Doctrine Sunday School Guide, listening to the Spirit for any verse that jumps out at me with meaning to answer my question. If my mind wanders because nothing jumps out at me,  then I ask myself what question is answered on that page and I write it on the top of the page.

 

Then when I do my warrior journal writing I write what I learned from God as I read. I also look at my planning page for the day, that I wrote the night before. I love it how I have combined my journal with my planner. Then I prophecy like I wrote above. I love getting my Power Actions done in the morning. It’s such a terrific feeling to cross things off at 6:30 AM!

Your eternally loving daughter,

Kate

 

For background information on the Chemical Scale, please read the book, Like Dragons Did They Fight, by Maurice Harker and Lucas Reynolds. You can read it for free as a Kindle edition! 

copyright 2015 Celestia Shumway

I am actually posting an excerpt on time today! Yes, it’s Tuesday, so it’s time to post a letter from Emma, one of the fictional characters from my Dates With God novel. In today’s episode, Chapter 7: Part #1, Emma’s Letter #7, Emma acknowledges that the wistful thoughts she gets about marrying someone else come from the enemy. She delves into her body image and the legacy she received from her Grandma and her “third mom” LaVonna Mae. She finally accepts that it’s OK to get out from both of their shadows and find her own senses of mothering and fashion. She comes up with an affirmation, a drill and a passion project that will make Jane Austen jealous. For background information, please read the companion book, Like Dragons Did They Fight, by Maurice Harker and Lucas Reynolds. The Kindle format is free!

Emma’s Week #7

Dear God,

I was feeling so many attacks lately that I knew something had to change. Clark seems to have turned for the worse. He alternates between sleeping, eating, being on the Internet while eating, to playing games or surfing, and coming up for air to go to church. I’ve had some feelings that I finally recognized come from satan, because they aren’t the fruits of the spirit listed in the scripture. The feelings involve depression and hopelessness about our marriage. I realized I was experiencing a Level 2 buildup. I also have had thoughts like “Why did I have to marry the first guy I fell in love with? Why didn’t I wait for Shaun to come home from his mission?” After I had the thought I realized that was the enemy talking in my voice.

I never felt pretty in high school and I never flirted. Part of it was that I felt fat and I had freckles. I actually felt like I might have a pretty face, but I didn’t have the confidence to go with it because of my body shape. I remember sitting at my desk, in 9th grade seminary, when out of the blue, this boy sitting in front of me turned around. He grabbed my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, and said “You have such a pretty face!” Before I could say anything, he turned around and never said a word to me again. I remember blushing and hoped that he wouldn’t say anything more. I didn’t know what to do about it. With my lack of confidence and emotional baggage of my childhood and home life, I was too shy to say anything to boys. No mystery there as to why I never went on dates. It was only after I went to college and figured out how to work with my naturally curly hair instead of against it by perming it (talk about overkill!) or flat ironing it and got contacts instead of glasses that I finally stopped feeling self-conscious about my looks.

I also lost weight because I actually stopped eating sugar for a time and only ate two meals a day, never eating after 6 PM. I lost about 60 pounds my second semester of college. I started forgiving my parents as well for neglecting me. It was a totally landmark healing time for me.  I stopped feeling like a victim so much and started making a lot more choices for myself.

I spent my whole growing up time wishing that Grandma would be more like my neighbor. Why didn’t Grandma pay much attention to how she looked? Why didn’t she care about clothes and fashion? Why wouldn’t she hardly buy me any clothes? I only ever remember having hand-me-downs, which seems to be my lot in life. As an adult, I still get hand-me-downs. 90% of my closet come from friends, family, or the thrift store. It’s like I have a sign that says, “Just hand over the clothes.” Wait, no, it’s more like, “Will you please give me your extra clothes? I need them. Please???” I just feel so needy and I know I got that from my childhood years with my mom and Grandma. My mom was stoned, so she hardly had any money, and my Grandma was divorced and poor and frugal and that’s where I get all of my lack-of-money issues from. Another thing that bugged me was that Grandma wouldn’t let me wear makeup. She thought it was evil to care about the body and its looks.  She never shaved her legs and told me not to start or the hair would grow back darker and thicker. She ground her own flour, grew her own herbs, and never went to the doctor. She would hardly trim my hair or teach me much about grooming. I never went to a hair salon, until I after I left home for college. She didn’t care what people thought about her image and my image. I remember she had this friend named Gloria who had a daughter who was a bratty, wild child. Gloria was into some free-thinking child-rearing philosophies and didn’t believe in correcting her daughter or forcing her to do anything. I hated it when Gloria and Sunshine came over. I was at LaVonna Mae’s house as much as I could to escape the craziness of my grandma’s friends.

So that’s some stuff about Grandma. As for LaVonna Mae, her influence was both good and not so good. For years she curled her daughters’ hair every week for Sunday church services with sponge curlers. Then when perms were popular, she permed all of her daughters’ hair, and wanted to perm mine too. So I let her. It just exacerbated my naturally curly hair. I looked like an overgrown poodle! Nobody knew how to deal with my red, crazy naturally curly hair. I remember one day, missing the bus to junior high school, because I could not get my bangs to curl right. The natural curl would not succumb to the curling iron and they looked totally dorky. I remember crying in the car as Grandma drove me to school, wishing that I didn’t have my hair.

Looking back, I appreciate all of the fusses and gushes LaVonna Mae gave me as a nurturing female, although I didn’t appreciate them much at the time. She taught me a lot about manners, homemaking, beauty tips, and grooming, more than I ever learned from my mom and grandma. Yet as I have grown older I realize that as I make the choices that come from my own place of desire and wisdom, about my hair, my clothes, and the way I spend my time, and the way I mother, I don’t need to do my life or my mothering the way LaVonna Mae, or the way my mom and grandma did or didn’t do it. I can do it my way, as I find a balance between my mom’s example and Grandma’s on the one end of the spectrum of total laissez-faire-ness, and LaVonna Mae, who came straight out of the Donna Reed mainstream, life-on-a-conveyor-belt-to-the-stage world. She was definitely groomed and polished to perfection for shining on a stage or screen. As much I love LaVonna Mae, I don’t like constantly being around the maternal fuss and gush types.

One example of how my empowerment/rebelliousness against her fussing and gushing started was in high school when I decided to grow out my bangs. LaVonna Mae was quite bothered by this and kept telling me how gorgeous I would look if I did my bangs the way all the other girls did it, in the bangs to heaven style. But I liked the sleek, smooth look of no bangs, so I did it that way. I had to flat iron my natural curly hair to do it, but it was worth it to me back then. Now I don’t have time for such things.  Another example is when LaVonna Mae wanted me to take piano lessons from her. I refused. Looking back, I realize now she was just being motherly and kind. I don’t think I would extend the same offers to neighbor kids, to help them with their hair or teach them music! She truly was amazing, if not sometimes a bit controlling and into looks for looks’ sake. I love her and am grateful for her but I am also still learning to get out of her shadow. It was LaVonna Mae who taught me how to wear pantyhose when I was 12. She had very excessive instructions about how to put them on so that I didn’t create runs, how to wash them after every time I wore them, and how to store them. Finally when I was 30, I got tired of the whole pantyhose business. I felt like a stuffed sausage and gave up trying to squeeze my body into a pair, and prevent runs, fix runs, and wash them. I started wearing sandals in the summer and boots in the winter with socks and haven’t looked back. LaVonna Mae would be aghast.

She was also aghast when her daughter Christy and I got accepted to BYU and didn’t want to do things the way she did 25 years before. My grandma wanted me to live on campus at BYU, as she was influenced by LaVonna Mae, but I  wanted to live off-campus. So for my next school year, after a summer job at home with Grandma, I moved into off-campus housing. A whole new world of older guys opened up to me in my student ward. Christy gave into her mom and lived on-campus. While she was dealing with a whole student ward full of immature freshmen, I had a ward brimming with wise, mature, returned missionaries, shopping for wives.

I met Shaun in one of my classes and dated him a bit, but we both knew he was going on a mission so we didn’t have an exclusive relationship and parted ways. Then I met Clark in my ward, when he was an R.M. We fell in love and got married, fairly quickly after we met, just four months. I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately though that I should have waited and married someone else, and also gone on a mission, because he hasn’t turned out to be that great of a provider or husband. I actually sometimes think, why, or why, didn’t I fall in love with Christy’s older brother and have LaVonna Mae for a mother-in-law? She would have been so much better than the one I have now. Wait, just a minute. Didn’t I just write a few paragraphs back that I couldn’t stand to be around LaVonna’s fussiness and gushiness all day? See how confused I get, God?

The thing is, on the outside, things look fine. He is paying the minimum bills and we have what we need. But…he’s using this inheritance money up and doing nothing to replace it. Not only that, but he signed us up for food stamps when he first lost his job. Then he got the inheritance money and never reported his windfall to the food stamp office, which he should have done. He’s not being honest! We have a lot more money now, and he could be working harder! I have very little say in how the money is spent, or “earned.” He isn’t connecting with me or the kids or helping with any chores around the house. I was amazed when I visited Kate a few weeks ago. Her husband Dave was home, but he was active the whole time, doing various projects around the house. I asked Kate if he ever chills out to watch TV or plays video games and she said no. She said that he knows there is too much work to do around the house to spoil her and make their house pretty as she likes it, that he would feel too guilty sitting around being a couch potato. He was putting up shelves in the boys room and installing lockers in the laundry mudroom off the garage when I was there.

I have tried the Lost Classical Womanly Arts for over a month now, and it’s not making any lasting change. I prayed about it and asked Thee why it’s not working. I got the answer from Thee that it’s because my husband is mentally ill with his depression. I believe in the womanly arts, and I’ve seen now that they work best in healthy marriages, not when the husband is depressed. I’ve really started feeling like the victim again, and that scares me. I start feeling my childhood feelings of helplessness and fear engulfing me.

I realized by answering the question “What does it feel like when satan is sneaking up on you?” that the victim feelings are from satan! The victim feelings of helplessness and fear are what it feels like when satan is sneaking up on me. I start being sorry for myself in my marriage and then exasperated with Clark. I feel tremendously dissatisfied with our life together and sad. This isn’t how it was supposed to be! I wasn’t supposed to be struggling at age 40 feeling like a single parent on welfare! I did everything right! I graduated from college, got married to a returned missionary in the temple, and he got his degree. I thought if I did all those things I wouldn’t have major problems. I start fantasizing about how I can run away with kids. The problem is, there’s no money to do that because we are on a strict budget since we are just living on the inheritance.

Where can I go? I guess I can go to Grandma’s, but I want to be independent and not involve her in my marriage woes. I wish I had money to just go stay in a hotel indefinitely until I see some change from Clark. Aack, there’s the victimy feelings again of lacking money because of a choice, someone else, my husband, is making. I feel so alone in this situation. Everybody talks about physically abused wives, but wives who are neglected or not properly provided for are invisible. There are no support groups or shelters for women whose husbands are unemployed or lazily underperforming.

At least I’ve learned that the victim-y feeling is really not me, it’s from satan. So now when I feel it, I realize, oh my gosh, I’ve been feeling this victim-y feeling in more than one way for my whole life. I’ve been hearing that voice that I thought was me everyday for years, telling me that I should not have married Clark, saying, “I’m not happy here. Things would be so much better if we divorced. I should have married Shaun. I wish Clark were more like Kate’s husband.”

It’s so freeing to realize it’s not me! This awakening feels like a birth process of letting go of the past and starting new. I realized the other day that is what that scripture is all about. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17) I am so grateful for this knowledge that because of Christ and his light, as I remember Him each day  by spending time in the scriptures, keeping the commandments, and serving him by serving my family and neighbors, I can see truth with the light of Christ. I can recognize more and more when these negative feelings of satan creep into me. As soon as I realize the feelings and acknowledge them as negative I can let go of them and start over, feeling new in Christ.

It’s kind of like satan is that mean girl that used to sit by me in the lunchroom in 6th grade. She would sit there for about 10 minutes and whisper rude things to me. Satan is like that and I’ve been falling for his lies all these years. I am finally awakened to his sneakiness! I can say to him and his feelings, as soon as I feel them, “That’s not true! Go away and leave me alone, you big fat liar! You don’t know me. Yes, I have challenges, but I am not going to let them get me down. I am rising above them through the power of Christ, who can make all things new. I am a royal daughter of God and can handle all of this with graciousness, fidelity to my covenants, and courage.” I also liken this whole experience to what it felt like for a while when my little brother went through his annoying phase when he was always sticking by my side constantly pestering me.

So when I get these feelings of fantasizing or feeling bullied or pestered I can say, “Hey you satan, nice try, but I know it’s you there! You are so sneaky, getting me to feel sad, victimy, powerless, envious, and dissatisfied. Scram! And take your minions with you!” Then I picture Sauron from the Lord of the Rings, previously full of brashness, skulking away, with bats floating above him. I also get my Mother Bear Chemistry on when I picture satan/sauron pestering my babies like he pesters and bullies me. I feel this surge of commitment not to let him get me feeling down! What power I have as long as I stay with Thee God! I’m also going to keep my journal close by. I just bought a small one that will easily fit in the drawer in the kitchen or in my purse so I can quickly grab it and write out what I just wrote. So that is my new drill.  I am going to drill saying what I just said, and then run to my flagpole which is my journal and then write what I just wrote. Then I will work on one of my passion projects. My passion project is to write my novel, the one that will make Jane Austen admiringly jealous of me. Another passion project is to research all of the references to royalty in the scriptures and write some kind of eternally real princess story for my girls.

I have found a third passion project as well. Jill’s been talking about how ever since she had her last baby she hasn’t experienced postpartum depression like she did with all of her other babies. She attributes it to two things: 1. eating lots of real fat, like butter, raw milk, raw cream, and coconut oil, and 2. doing indexing work. I was listening to a General Conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott from October 2012. He said that we can eliminate the influence of satan if we engage in family history research and temple work. That must be in part why Jill is feeling happier after this baby. I need all of the elimination of satan’s force that I can get. So I finally got Sister Webb to come over from the ward and teach me how to find names. So she did and I have been working on it every night after the kids have lights out. I love finding these names! I just barely found out that I am descended from Governor William Bradford of the Mayflower Pilgrims, four other Mayflower Pilgrims, as well as George Mason, one of the Founding Fathers. Wow! That is a huge legacy I have of self-governing people. I feel so much less victim-y and more self-governing just to know that this pilgrim blood flows in my veins. No victims there! I have been learning about these great men and telling my kids stories about them during dinner time.

I was reading Mosiah 9:17 and got this huge epiphany. This is what it said, “Yea, in the strength of the Lord did we go forth to battle against the Lamanites; for I and my people did cry mightily to the Lord that he would deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, for we were awakened to a remembrance of the deliverance of our fathers.” As Thou knows, for a long time I felt mad and sad that I didn’t have parents who were “kind and dear.” Then I remembered what I realized a few weeks ago, that my grandma was my “kind and dear” parent. Even if she didn’t care about fashion like I wanted her to when I was in high school. As I connect to her and the stories of my ancestors, through her, I am “awakened to the remembrance of the deliverance of our fathers” and I get more help from Thee to be delivered from my bondage. These stories of my ancestors are how I awaken to the remembrance of my fathers being delivered. Thou was there for them. Thou hast been there for me. Thou inspired Grandma to come get me from Indiana, and deliver me. Now I am being delivered again. Please help me to continue to have faith in Thee that I will be delivered somehow from our financial stress.

This past week, I happened to get stuck in the car with my mother-in-law in the parking lot of Walmart, while Clark ran in to get something. That woman had the nerve to start bragging on her son, telling me how wonderful and amazing I must think he is and how we must be so in love. Her speech was so preposterously comical I just about about burst out laughing. But at the same time, I was so mad at her lack of observation and discernment that I just wanted to smack her. I’m sorry God, for these feelings. I am just not perfect like Thee. Honestly, I can only handle that woman in small infrequent doses. This last exposure exceeded my threshold. I’m not even ready to pray to ask for more patience in tolerating her. I’m just not there yet, God. Sometimes she is so clueless and out of touch with reality that I just want to put her out to pasture, so to speak, and not have to deal with her. How do you tell your mother-in-law that her precious boy is being a bum?

Love,

Emma

copyright 2015 Celestia Shumway

This is the Browning Gunsmith Shop and Home in Nauvoo, Illinois. I missed taking a picture of it, so I got this photo from the browning.com website. The picture belongs to that website. You can read about Jonathan Browning on the site here.

Yes, the famous Browning firearms brand has roots in Nauvoo. The Browning company was founded in Utah by Jonathan Browning, who was born in Tennessee. It was there that he was baptized and then he moved to Illinois, eventually ending up in Nauvoo, where he built his home and gunsmith shop. The shop has a ton of guns on display.

Jonathan, or his son, John Moses Browning, invented a prototype of the machine gun, which is on display in the shop. I can’t remember which one.

This is Jonathan Browning and his wife, Elizabeth Stalcup Browning. They had 12 children. They left Nauvoo and went westward. I was impressed that Jonathan obeyed church leadership and stayed in Council Bluffs when he was asked to do so, even though his natural man inclination was to go off with the men who enlisted in the Mormon Battalion. Jonathan was all about guns, so when we heard there was a war going on, he wanted to take off with them. But the Quorum of the 12/the prophet (not sure of the date here, if it was after Brigham was sustained) told him he was needed to stay in Council Bluffs and provide leadership and practical skills. He helped the saints with building firearms and wagons to prepare for the trek to the Utah Territory.

Jonathan Browning always carried a gun with him that said “Holiness to the Lord – Our Preservation.” The above picture shows his shop where he made and repaired firearms.

This shows some of the guns on display at the home.

One of the Browning babies died while the family lived in Nauvoo and is buried in this small grave in the backyard of the home. From the same back door you can get a great shot of the Nauvoo Temple.

I felt inspired by this visit to be as industrious and faithful to the gospel as Jonathan and Elizabeth Browning.

On Day 4 of our trip to Nauvoo, we went to the Lucy Mack Smith home right after the Browning Gunsmith Shop and Home. This is the home where Lucy, the prophet Joseph Smith’s mother, settled in after most of Saints left for the Salt Lake Valley. My mother–in-law and I toured the home while the rest of the family went to the brickmaker’s yard. While at the Browning home we learned that Lucy wrote some of her book, The History of the Prophet Joseph Smith, in the Browning home. We learned the following:

• Lucy Mack Smith was a very small woman, maybe not even 5 feet tall
• The home was originally the Joseph Bates Noble home. He gave the home to the Church, and Brigham Young, I presume acting for the Church, gave the home to Lucy. She did not feel well enough to make the trek west.
• Lucy Mack lived in the home with her daughter, and her husband..
• The home had an alcove big enough to fit a bed, called a “lying in room” where Lucy could lie in bed and rest but still see the activities going on in the adjoining room.
• I asked why she wrote part of her book at the Browning home and the tour guide did not know the answer.

So in today’s excerpt of Dates with God, which is Chapter 6, Part 4: Lauren’s Letter #6, we see Lauren delve into why she hates being wrong. She mulls over her attitude towards her husband and her family’s emotional history, so that she can use her eternal warrior principles as a parent.

Lauren Week #6

 

Dear God,

 

Oh, how I hate being wrong. Somehow it’s tied up with one of one of my Achilles’ heel emotions. Is it embarrassment? Is it fear of shame? Is it pride? I am not sure. I just know that I hate it. What is with that God? In high school, I earned state in Lincoln-Douglas debate and went to nationals. I just love to argue and win! It has carried over into my marriage. I graduated from law school, passed the bar, and earned the income for our family while James trained to get his general contractor’s license. He was earning money the whole time working for his dad while he trained but I didn’t think it was enough to live on so I kept working. I didn’t want him to have a job handed to him by his dad. I wanted him to go outside his family and get a real job. But lately I have been wondering if maybe I was wrong to do that. Maybe that gave him the wrong impression from the very beginning of our marriage of what I thought he was capable of, which I admit now, wasn’t much. Hmmm.

 

This past week’s lesson was on drills so I have been thinking a lot about them. And what drills to create for me. I’ve been failing at my goals and I hate that. I’ve been hitting the bedtime reading aloud one OK but I am missing the others about half the time. Today is class day and I’m thinking of changing some of my goals.

 

So here they are, newly revised:

 

1. Read 15 minutes to Austin, as much as he will let me, since he’s 13, and then 15 minutes with the girls together, before I turn out their light.

 

2. Say something positive to James every day and refrain from saying anything negative about James to him or to anyone else. Having my attack out of the blue last week when he rescued me as my knight in shining armor has definitely helped me feel positive towards him.

 

3. Only get on the Internet in the morning, for one hour, after I’m done with getting the kids off to school, taking care of prenatal exams and paperwork in the morning. I’ve decided that this limit includes any time on my phone. I took the Facebook app off my phone because it was way too tempting and distracting to be looking at it so easily and frequently during the day when I heard the notification tone. I also took all of the email notification sounds off my phone.

 

I will have no more lost battles this week! Kate got her 28 days last week and I so want to get there. Kate is not the kind of person who would impress me at first. She’s obese and quiet, at first,  and not flashy. She’s really rather quite beautiful, she just needs some glamor and to lose the weight. Oh how I would love to get my hands on her and give her a makeover! As well as Emma! That naturally red curly hair is to die for! But the more I learn from Kate in class, the more I like her.  The four of us in the class who live close by decided to have a Couples’ Night Out so we would meet the husbands. Kate’s husband, David, was so attentive to her. I loved watching them together. He held her hand during some of the dinner. Then he offered to go back to the car when she realized she wanted  her lip balm from her purse that she left in the car. He hung on her every word and looked at her like he worshiped her. He obviously utterly adores her. This love they have between them fascinates me.

 

I want to somehow have that love in our marriage. Later that week, in class, I asked her about it. Then she told me about the Lost Classical Womanly Arts. I burst out laughing! I read that book for our book club and absolutely hated it. It was so antiquated! One of the main points of the book was that you must not even attempt to change your husband, or let your husband know that you are thinking about it. That immediately made me think of when we were first married. It really bugged me how he changed how he did his hair. He looked like such a dweeb! I finally insisted that he change it back and he did, thankfully. That’s just one of the many things I’ve told him to do. From the beginning of our relationship, I have felt superior to him. I am the oldest in my family, he is the youngest. I had lived for 6 years on my own before we got married. He never did, except for his mission, if you can count that, since he wasn’t really fully in charge of maintaining a place. I knew everything about living on your own: housekeeping, plumbing, appliance repair, money management, insurance, taxes, and car maintenance and repair. He knew nothing about those things. I’ve had to teach him all of it. Not to mention how to deal with kids.

 

So from the very beginning, I have felt the need to teach him, well, OK, yes, even to boss him. I have to admit I have criticized him every day, and yes, I have not made him the most important thing in my life, next to Thee, God. I have treated him like something in my life that I can have at my leisure, that I can have and let go as I please. I certainly haven’t depended on him. Ever, well, except for last week. That was the first time.

 

I don’t know what to do about all of this. I ask Thee to please help me somehow. I am willing to learn.

 

I’ve discovered that I can use the principles of this class with my kids. Taylor, my youngest, has a hard time sometimes even wanting to do easy, simple stuff like get dressed for school, eat breakfast, or put her clothes away so she can get to school on time. I ask her to go do it and she stares at me blankly. I used to yell at her all the time. But awhile ago I felt the Spirit whisper to me, when I was about to yell at her again, “Go ask her what she is feeling.” So I asked her and she didn’t know. It’s taken me a long time since then, but the gears are clicking into place in my mind, as to how to change this habitual interaction I have with her that ultimately gets us nowhere.

 

We had a lesson in class about getting in touch with our emotions through the “notice, name it, flip it, find it” method. The mentor suggested we read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman if we wanted to learn more. So I did, and I had this huge epiphany. I was not raised to be emotionally intelligent, and I have not been raising my kids to be that way either. Goleman claims that emotional intelligence is even more important than IQ. For someone who was incubated in a high intellectual achievement family this was news to me. Then I started thinking more about my family, contrasted to my husband’s. Most of my siblings have relationship problems, and troubling addictions, and financial problems, even though they are all smart and have graduate degrees. My mom was somewhat of a control freak and never even talked about feelings. I feel like she was all business and didn’t really ever listen to us.  My husband’s family, on the other hand, have some people with degrees, and some who don’t, but they are all pretty much happy. They all have intact marriages. Their parents were very loving and much more flexible and more into feelings.  I started wondering if maybe the reason my kids haven’t inherited my drive is because they got more of James’ side of the family? I don’t know how that works genetically.

 

I do know that I want to be happier with my kids at home. I’ve realized that it’s important to share and honor our emotions. I found this cute book called How are You Peeling? by Saxton Freymann which shows photos of fruits and vegetables with the stem as the nose, a carving for the mouth, and black-eyed peas for eyes so that they have faces. The author made the carvings and eyes to show emotion. These fruits and vegetables look so adorable, even when they are sad. So I got it for Taylor, to show her that it’s OK to have negative feelings and to get her to talk about them. We read it for Family Home Evening. Then I talked about how important it is to have feelings, because that is how we know we are alive and still have the potential to get back to God, using both the power of the the body and the spirit. (It’s amazing, that thought came to me right before I verbalized it. The Spirit just brought it to my mind.) It’s amazing how the Spirit teaches me when I am actively engaged in teaching. Our emotions also allow us to know what is going on outside us and how to best respond. I also quoted Elder Boyd K. Packer who said that, “In your emotions, the spirit and the body come closest to being one.” (October 1994 General Conference)  I noticed a long time ago that Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon had all the problems they had because they were “past feeling.” (1 Nephi 17:45) I can see how satan uses addictions and other self-destructive behaviors to get us to be past feeling so that we shut down all other emotions and just have emotion for the temporary pleasure that comes from the forget-it moment of self-indulgent behavior. That’s Level 5 on the chemical scale. I can see how if I were past feeling, I would stay stuck in the cycle of hitting Level 5 many times a day.

 

I asked the kids to make some Girl Goals and Man Goals and then I asked them why they wanted to achieve those goals. I kept asking them why after they expressed what they wanted, to get to a deeper level of what they wanted. That was to show them that ultimately, we all want goals because we all want happiness. We talked about emotions that can get in the way of our happiness, like fear, anger, and sadness. We also talked about how those emotions can also be partners in bringing about happiness.

 

After that FHE, I have been coming home and teaching my family everything I learn in my lessons, every week, so I can help them fight for and achieve their goals. As I teach them that helps me retain what I learn more and it allows the Spirit to whisper to me to teach me specific things I need to know to succeed. When I say it out loud, as I teach them, I own it and internalize it and I am much more likely to actually carry it out. Then they see me do it, like my drills, and then they want to do it. It’s amazing how much of a team we become when we share our goals and I share what I am learning so that we can use the same language.

 

Now that Taylor has more words to label her emotions, I have been able to connect with her more when she gets in her “shut-down” mode. It struck me that that is her Level 4 where she is somehow having a stupid conversation in her head. She tunes in so much to it that than on the outside, she seems unresponsive and uncooperative or just plain naughty. On the inside though, I think she is being attacked and she just feels helpless. This happens after she feels a chemical spill and then a build-up of strong negative feelings of feeling stupid and fear about going to school to deal with the classwork and the social environment. So in the mornings I have had to force myself to break away from all of my duties and pressures, so that she can come lie on the couch. Then I massage her shoulders and scalp and then brush her hair with lavender essential oil while she talks about her feelings. Then it is like she is a new girl! That physical activity, the expression of her feelings and what’s going on socially with her gets her back to Level 0 where she is relaxed, ready to engage, and cheerful! Then she can go get dressed, put her clothes away from last night, plus her pajamas, eat her breakfast, and get her backpack put together for school, and off she goes.

 

I am grateful for learning concepts that I can apply to my children to help me have happier, more peaceful interactions with them.I definitely plan on talking about emotions a LOT more with the kids. I think that maybe Thou has been asking me to do certain things, like I’ve been asking Taylor, and I have been mostly in “shut down” mode or Level 4 for years. I thank Thee for being patient with me. I want to be as patient with my daughter as Thou has been with me.

 

James and I took all the kids to see Inside Out, a Disney Pixar movie. It was wonderful to have a family outing. Even Logan came. It was amazing how so many of the principles I’ve learned in the Mothers Who Know class were in the movie.  We went out for Mexican food after the movie and had so much fun talking about it. We discussed the primary emotions in the movie: Fear, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, and Anger. Each of these emotions was an actual character inside a little girl’s head. The movie was about what these characters said to each other, how they got along, and how they controlled the little girl’s brain. So back before Logan was born Disney came out with a movie about what would happen if toys had feelings. Then they had a movie about what if cars had feelings. Then bugs, then airplanes, then robots . Now Disney has a movie about what if your feelings had feelings. It was hilarious. I noticed that, at the beginning, Joy did not want to acknowledge Sadness much, or let Sadness have a say in what happened in the girl’s brain. The little girl hit a crisis when she made a decision that took her out of her frontal lobe and down the chemical scale. That’s the part when Joy and Sadness are missing. Anger, Disgust, and Fear are at the console of her brain and creating havoc, as the girl’s reasoning power, represented by the Train of Thought, crashes, and her values such as honesty and friendship crumble.This was a perfect illustration of what I have read that some therapists call the “amygdala hijacking,” leading up to the Forget-it Moment. Before the girl could completely carry out Level 5 though, some warrior chemistry kicked in with Anger defending himself from insults. It was so funny. Disgust then uses the power of Anger to let Joy and Sadness come to the control of the brain to avert complete disaster. Through the power of Joy and Sadness working together, the movie ends happily, with the little girl getting back to peace and happiness with her family, Level 0. I saw in the story how important it is for emotions to work together as a team as well as a family to work together and be honest with each other about emotions, especially about sadness.

 

Growing up in my home, sadness was always dismissed or covered up. Everything was always just push, push, push, go, go, go, achieve, achieve, achieve, smile, smile, smile, even at the cost of smothering emotions. I am realizing now how unhealthy that was. I hope to create more openness and emotional honesty in my home. I thank Thee for bringing different media formats into my family’s life with this class, books, and a movie so my kids and I can have the language to talk about our emotions. I’m starting to realize that achievements are not as important as I have always held them up to be. I feel that I have a lot of make-up work to do with my kids to help them feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable. I ask Thee to help me with that.

 

Respectfully your daughter,

Lauren

copyright 2015 Celestia Shumway

I’ve had another hectic week, so I am catching up. Here’s Dates with God, Chapter 6, Part 3: Kate’s Letter #6, in which Kate has a download about how what she learned in college meshes with what she is learning in Mothers Who Know/Eternal Warriors. She gets inspired to write a letter to herself.

Kate’s Letter #6

Dear God,

 

I’ve been having all these flashbacks to college that help me understand this class. I was driving and letting my mind wander a bit. I almost turned on the radio, but then I heard a voice in my head say, “No don’t. Just be with your thoughts.” Then Thou brought to my mind the scripture that says, “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.” For some reason, then I remembered my college professor, Dr. Brown, teaching about how the brain works. He was really into human psychology and what things affect the brain. I remember him saying that the brain has a section, the limbic brain, that is similar to the brain of reptiles. Sometimes it is called the reptilian brain. I know that you know all of this God, I am just writing this all for my sake so that I can think aloud, pull it all together as I write, and discover more truth that Thou has to reveal to me. The limbic brain is the place of low-level thinking and instinctual behavior. Reptiles have nothing beyond this. They don’t have any attachment to anything, including their own babies, such that they walk away from them as soon as the egg is laid. There’s just zero attachment there. They just don’t have a place in their brain for attachment that we humans do. I have been calling this part of the brain the animal brain.

 

Any attachment or values we have are in the frontal lobe, which is separate from the limbic brain. The professor loved to have his wife bring his twin babies to class. You could see by the glow of his face, as soon as his wife walked into the room with those babies in her twin stroller, that he effusively adored them.  He and his wife would then each don a baby in a sling and walk around the room, showing us how much babies love to be held close. Then they talked about the great natural birth Dr. Brown’s wife had, a twin birth at home. I thought it was cool that his wife breastfed the babies in front of the class as they both talked about attachment parenting, without making a big deal about it. It was just a natural thing to do with a baby. She did it modestly and without any fanfare. It felt OK and normal and natural. Dr. Brown probably spent at least six class lectures on attachment promoting features of babies,  attachment promoting behaviors of parents, and how much joy is found in attachment.

 

He went on and about how the infant brain and even the adult brain is wired for attachment. We studied all those depressing stories about babies dying in institutions when they had no human touch to convey attachment, even if they had all the “proper” physical care of bathing and changing and feeding. I still remember him saying that it’s as if someone, before life as we know it began, planned for humans to be attached. He assigned us to write about what are humans biologically programmed to attach to, and why? Why not have the human species propagated by non-attachment behaviors? I remember writing the assignment and deciding as I did the research that we are biologically programmed to attach to love, or people that give us love. I decided it was because God designed it that way. God is love, so His creations, which are people, are a part of that love.

 

Since the class was at BYU, he could mix God and religion in all he wanted. He pointed out that the word perdition comes from the Latin root word perditio which means lost, or unattached. Then he asked us what is the worst final state in the plan of salvation. Some of us answered “sons of perdition.” It made such sense to me that the worst condition we can end up with is to be unattached to anyone. Does that mean they aren’t attached to love? Do they receive the state of perdition as their fate because they chose to turn from love? Growing up I remember my mom saying something to my little brothers. They would play a game of cops and robbers. They would pretend to shoot the robbers or put them in jail. She would tell them, “Let’s not shoot the bad guys and throw them in jail. Let’s teach them and share with them and love them and they will want to change.” I’ve always wondered if love is all that changes people. And is it possible to resist love and not change? Is it possible to accept love but still not change?

 

My mom had a girlfriend from high school whom she kept in touch with. This friend had been a foster mom to over 20 kids. Judy always said that she had never met a bad kid. It was amazing how all the delinquent kids who went to stay with her would clean up their acts after being in Judy’s home. We all attributed it to the love Judy has. She is the most loving, generous women, next to my mom. I always felt so comfortable in her presence, like I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me as a bad person. Emma kind of reminds me of her. So I guess I am wondering if changing or repenting always comes because of some kind of love that we feel, and if we don’t change is it just because we don’t feel enough love? Or can we feel love and still choose not to change?

 

One of the other things he pointed out was that the word religion means “to tie back” which also relates to attachment. I really liked his appreciation for all religions because he said that all religions, if they are true religions based on the true God, have goodness in them as they promote an attachment to God, post-earth life, family, and community.

 

I have been thinking a lot about this. Just how attachment and God and parenting and joy are all so intertwined. So somehow, Thou made us spirits, from intelligence, as it says in the scriptures, and somehow, sometime, that spirit entered the body before birth. We start out attached to our mothers, and when we are born we are still attached to our mothers for a short time through the umbilical cord. That seems a good guide for the best way not only to enter the world but to leave it when we die, feeling attached to someone, if not physically, but emotionally. It seems to prefigure a greater attachment, but Thou doesn’t want us to feel forced to be attached to Thee. But this brain Thou gave us which is somehow part of our soul, has a part of it, the prefrontal lobe, that is a part of Thee. It is what attaches us to Thee, if we choose to stay in it and not drift.

 

So I am wondering if memory is also in the prefrontal cortex? Maybe so. I can see why Napoleon Hill, in his book Outwitting the Devil, says that the enemy would use drifting as his number one weapon. It’s another word for forgetting. He uses the chemical scale to get us to drift out of our frontal lobes so that we are no longer agents acting upon outside things but so that we are animals who get acted upon. As we use our bodies, which is something satan doesn’t have, we can do things that keep us in the frontal lobe. Things like rituals, because they help us remember, because they are physical.

 

Remember. That’s another word that I have been studying. I realized that the word “remember” also promotes attachment. If you break down the word you have “re-” which means “again” and “member” which means “a part of something bigger.” What would that “something bigger” be? I suggest it is the family of Thee, God. When we remember things we remember things that allow us to do or say or be something that will once again, get us to feel our part in something bigger, something that we are a member or a part of. Maybe that’s why President Spencer W. Kimball said that “remember” was the most important word in the scriptures. So when I “forget” to do something, it’s always because I started down a path of shutting myself away from the bigger picture that involves Thee and Thy will for me, even down the very day. When I remember things I am showing that I know and recognize that I must choose to do things that show that I’m part of a family, a team, and my actions affect other people. As my professor used to always say, “We are biologically meant to be part of something bigger. That thing is God’s family.”

 

I found a scripture that shows us how Thou, God, plays in with memories. In the Bible Jesus said “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” (John 14:26) Satan has a counterfeit to this, as he usually, if not always does. It’s the satanic spin. That allows him to bring back memories of things that will push our buttons. He wants us to bring back negative memories because he wants us to justify a negative feeling and make the hurt go deeper! The scoundrel! Christ on the other hand wants to bring back memories, through the Holy Ghost, that allow us to feel the fruits of the spirit which the scripture says are love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. (Galatians 5:22-23)

 

After experiencing and learning in this class for the past few weeks, I am really getting the hang of how it feels when satan is creeping up on me. It’s when negative memories come back to me along with feelings of sadness about the future and even feeling that all of life is a waste and pointless. I’m OK with sadness, but I guess this kind of sadness is abject depression with feelings of hopelessness. Even more, I’ve figured out that he brings good memories but then twists them into bad feelings by speaking in my voice and suggesting that things can’t be like that ever again. The past few weeks I’ve been tormented by the following: “It’s too bad that this year it will be our last Christmas with Dave.” I imagine this will continue on with all of the holidays. I will probably be hearing, “This is our last birthday, Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving…” Then I start hearing this thought of “You are born, you grow, you get sick like Dave, and you die. It’s all a waste.” Then I just get this overwhelming depression and I don’t want to get out of bed. Now that I am writing about it and I realize how these thoughts aren’t really me, but satan, I just feel this intense anger towards the low-down cheat. How dare he twist my pleasant happy family memories into feelings of doom and gloom and that they are a waste. I am not ready to give up on Dave’s prognosis! It can change! It ticks me off that the enemy is getting me to descend into hopelessness by speaking in my own voice in my head!

 

Dave had promised me he would help me all of these remodeling projects around the house as soon as he was done with a project at work. With all of these kids and homeschooling and our music practice and play practices and music competitions it’s impossible for me to get to them. But then he got really sick and he hasn’t been able to do any of it. So now, I’ve noticed that whenever I’m looking at house decorating or DIY blogs, I hear this voice in my head, “That’s beautiful, but why bother? I’m never going to have my dream house. Not at this rate. Dave is dying.” Guess what? I know that voice is satan now! The scum bum! It’s like I’m shining an intensely bright searchlight on him and he can’t hide anywhere! Busted!

 

From now on, I’m going to say, out loud, if I can, or if I am in public, under my breath, as soon as I hear that voice, or feel these despondent, morbid, hopeless feelings, the following: “Stop it! I can hear and see you! You think you are so smart but I caught you! Everything you just said is a lie! Dave’s fight is not over! He has lived a life of goodness and courage. His life and nobody’s life is a waste! It is up to God if he dies. If he dies in the peace of Jesus, as it says in D&C 42:46, that is a beautiful thing. His death will taste sweet. I can go on with happy memories of our life together. I can also go forward joyfully, knowing that because of our temple covenants we will be together happily eternally. He wants me to keep going on. Nothing will mar our beautiful, happy, loving life together. Shut up and flee, you dastardly demon! Go back to hell where you belong and stay there!”

 

I am going to drill this routine so that when I do feel the depression I can immediately write those affirmations, instead of reaching for food to numb the pain. So here is my plan for my new drill. I have alarms set on my phone to go off at 10:30 AM, 3 PM, and 7 PM. Then I have the alarms labeled with the question, “The devil with his depression is calling you! What do you say to him? Yes, that’s right, tell him ‘Go right back where you belong, to hell!’ ” Then I am going to play the “Overcomer” song by Mandisa on my phone, strike my yoga warrior pose, as long as I am at home and not shopping, and recite what I just wrote. I will have it written on a 3 x 5 card I carry in my pocket. Then I am going to go touch all of the doorknobs in the house, and open all of the doors to show that I believe in being open to love and God’s will for our family, even if that involves the impending death of Dave.

 

Last week we rented a movie for our date night. We watched the French movie, With Love: From The Age of Reason. It’s about this character named Marguerite who has a high-powered career and rejects an offer for marriage from her live-in boyfriend because she says she doesn’t want to commit to a husband or kids. Eventually she finds a letter. It’s a letter from her 7 year old self. The letter reminds her of what she wanted to be when she was young. She realizes that she is off-track and then changes her life to be like her 7 year old self wanted to be, which includes having a husband and babies.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about that. What letter would I have written when I was seven, to my future self? Even better to ponder is what letter would I have written to myself from the premortal world? I am going to think about that and write one.

 

I got this huge insight from the scriptures this week. In Alma 58, the Lamanites have gotten smarter about the Nephites’ strategy of using a decoy so now the Nephites have to get smarter. They, the Nephites, have to wait to get more food. An army of 2000 delivers more food to them. They start to get scared when they compare their small numbers to the Lamanites’ innumerable numbers.

 

I love vs. 10 because it says that the Nephites poured out their soul to Thee in prayer. They beg Thee to help them protect their lands and possessions. In vs. 11 they receive an answer. It says that Thou didst visit them by speaking peace unto them, giving them assurances and “great faith,” and hope for “our deliverance in him (God).” Then they were inspired with a new strategy. This strategy allowed them to stand fast in the liberty that Thou gave them, even though they received some wounds. It allowed them to lead away the Lamanites into the wilderness and the other parts of the army that were hiding. What was this new strategy? I love this story! This was the new strategy, a new “secret to success” given in the same verse. It was to remember Thee, their Lord God every day. They were “strict” to do this every day. They showed this by observing Thine statutes, commandments, and judgments continually. Also their faith was strong in the prophecies to come. That is what I am striving to do too. I am doing my Power Actions every day to remember Thee and that Thou art the only source of my power. I am also learning more about Thine prophecies.

 

How will the enemy attack me tomorrow? He will attack me with stress about all of my responsibilities and depression about the cancer. And depression that my body seems to be stuck at a plateau of weight. And temptation to make cookies and caramels and fudge. How will I fight back? I will fight back by making a plan for the day, and then setting my alarm to go off at the above times. The alarm will remind me to do my drill and then to look at my daily schedule and remember what’s on it and make changes.

 

Love,

Kate

 

Extra Letter for Week #6 for Kate

 

A Letter from the Premortal Kate to her Future Adult Self in the Mortal World

 

Dear Mortal Adult Kate,

 

I know you! Do your remember living in the premortal world? Remember your Heavenly Father? Remember how He is the King of the universe? You know that He once held you in His arms. You know that He loves you wholly and infinitely. When we were all together as one big happy family up in heaven, before this earth life, we felt this love so completely. It penetrated you to the very core so that you felt like you were warm and safe all the time.  Remember how Father took you and all of His spirit children on a tour of His dream estate? It has innumerable mansions with all the materials that allow each of us to fulfill our passions of creating beauty and building useful things and serving to bring joy to others.

 

As Father showed you each room with all of the elegance and luxury and comforts that only custom-built homes can have, you felt indescribable peaceful longings to enjoy all of this with Father forever. You had spiritually grown up in the nursery of His cottage in the woods so to speak so you were not used to such palatial appointments. At this point in your development, you were not mature enough to live in any of these mansions. These mansions have gleaming white rock walls, marble floors, and the finest fabrics for the furniture and draperies. Remember? No, I know you don’t, so that’s why I am telling you. Numerous windows allow abundant light and color to pour forth inside. The whole estate is surrounded by gardens and lakes and woods and flowers and animals. You were in awe of all of the places to climb and explore and play and relax and create.

 

Then Father took us one by one into His den. You got a royal, personal invitation from Him and Heavenly Mother to come live with them forever, based on a condition. Both of Them held you and looked into your eyes and told you how much They love you. Then Father said that the fondest wish of  His heart was to have you come live with Them both and have an eternal life together in this mansion and gardens. You were told that you could live with Them only if you really wanted to. You would not be forced to live there just because you are his child. You were told that Father and Mother would trust you to inherit your place in one of the mansions and treat it with care if you became like Them, always loving, always wise, always giving, and leading with light. This eternal life would involve eternally pursuing your passions of creation of music and art and beauty and worlds and people and eternally serving others.  Father reminded you of your older brother, the Savior Jesus Christ, who would hold the keys to let us back into the mansion because of his royal love which would be manifested on earth by his atonement.  

 

They told you that when you show that you have chosen to have a heart like Father and Mother’s and receive this royal love that is embodied by Father’s Only Begotten Son in the flesh will you be allowed to come in. Then came the clincher. The only way to show that you really wanted to be like Father and have a heart like His and Mother’s would be if you lived far away from Them. That way you could show that you really were choosing Their life, with the opposite choices placed before you in a dark world. That way you could show that you weren’t just choosing Their life because that’s all you knew or that Their life was the only choice you had. You could show that you intended to be part of Father and Mother’s kingdom, and be like Them, no matter how far away you might be, and no matter how much the enemy would attack you.  So whenever you “remember who you are” you are showing or feeling or doing or knowing things to “again,” which is what “re” means, be a “member” or a part of Their Divinely Royal Family and Kingdom. It’s like you are saying, “I haven’t forgotten Thee, Father. I am coming home! The best in life is yet to be! I am becoming like Thee. I am having a heart like Thine and receiving Thy royal love through my elder brother, my Savior,  so I can live with Thee again. I choose to be with Thee again!” Whenever you remember important things, you are having thoughts, or doing actions that involve you becoming more like Father with His light and truth.

 

Father sent you to earth with many royal gifts, including the atonement of your older brother, the Savior Jesus Christ, and your body. Your body was made in Mother’s image, with a divinely appointed part of the brain called the frontal lobe where you can connect with Father in your earthly abode.  The enemy, who wants to hijack you of your choice to inherit Father’s Divinely Royal Kingdom, does everything he cowardly can to get you out of that royal place in your brain, the frontal lobe, where you can have your intentions to be like Father and Mother.

 

Don’t let the enemy stealthily lure you out of that place. Remember to tell Father every day in your prayers what you want. Declare to Him, Heavenly Father, that no matter what happens on earth, no matter what weapons the demons throw at you, you will be a member of His Loving Royal Family again. Just let yourself feel the Royal Love again. Feel yourself letting go of all false gods and false feelings satan gives you that make you feel justified in being alone and being a law unto yourself. Feel yourself letting go all the hurts and offenses people have given you. Feel the Royal Love from your Parents and receive it so you can give it to others.  Choose to be with Father again. Choose to be in the place in the little house of the body Father gave you where you can stay connected to Father across the eons of mortality and space. Choose to feel His Royal Love and choose to be born again in that love with a new heart like His. “

 

“love,

“Katie from the Premortal World”

 

Dear God,

 

Here’s what I learned from writing that letter.

 

The frontal lobe is the place of connections and value  so that when I stay there and not drift with satan’s influence I can connect with the most important connection of all, the connection of Thine Royal Family. I am convinced that the holy place Thou mentions in D&C 87:8 is the frontal lobe.

 

I went to this presentation last week about the ancient Nephites of the Book of Mormon. The presenter stated her theory that the Nephites practiced the Law of Moses in a certain part of North America, the middle section of the United States, because that is where all of the animals and plants were so they could practice the rites. She showed us a powerpoint chart of all of the Jewish holy days, and what plants and animals were needed to practice them, like wheat and lambs for the Passover feast. None of these things were native to Central or South America hundreds of years ago.

 

After it was over, I thought, wow, I never had noticed by my many times reading through the Book of Mormon that the Law of Moses was practiced by the Nephites. It’s been there the whole time, I just didn’t pick up on it. Those Nephites were amazingly blessed to have the Law to teach them about the upcoming Savior and to help them remember His sacrifice to bring them back to Thee. I started thinking, I wish we had some rites like the Jews and the Nephites to help us remember Thee and the Savior more. Duh! Then I realized, or Thou helped me remember, that I have opportunities to remember Thy son all around me. The Law of Moses was fulfilled by Thy son, so now I have the baptismal and sacramental ordinances which allow me to remember His eternal sacrifice. My daily prayers and scripture reading allow me to remember Him, they are a ritual now. The temple ordinances allow me to remember Him. I even learned a new ritual from Emma. During the week, she writes down all of her negative feelings on a piece of paper. Then she takes it to the temple and tears it up into little pieces and throws it away in a wastebasket at a temple.

 

I rejoice that I have more freedom than the Nephites and Jews to come up with even more rituals, my own rituals that cause me to remember Thee and the goals Thou inspires in me. My drill is a way to remember Thee. In fact, all things are in the likeness of Thee, to help me remember Thee.

 

I thank Thee for giving me my opportunities to be a member of Thy household again in Thy Dream Estate. The remembrance is what that is all about. Now I’m going to create rituals for all of my goals, like I have for my power actions to remind me that I am a member of Thine Royal Loving Family again in eternity. I’m so looking forward to creating these rituals and doing my drill.

 

Oh my gosh, I just remembered the title of a book I saw at the bookstore as I wandered around there with Dave last week. Sometimes we go there for dates to peruse the books and talk about ideas. This title I glanced at is now running through my head, “I Refuse to Raise a Spoiled Brat!” Could that be the plan of salvation, boiled into one sentence uttered by Thee, premortally? I can’t speak for Thee, so all of this stuff could be wrong, but it seems to me that Thou would feel the same way. Thou art King of the Universe, and could just give everything Thou has to us, without qualifications, but that would turn us into spoiled brats. I know that I will always love my kids but that doesn’t mean that I want to live with them forever in the needy, premature, and obnoxious states they sometimes are in now.  I do enjoy the chubby cheeks and big eyes and the adorableness of babies and little kids, but I do look forward to conversations and relationships with them all being independent, self-reliant, mature, respectful older people.

 

It will be so wonderful not to have to remind little people to stop picking their nose, clean up their dirty socks, change their underwear, brush their teeth, and go potty instead of dancing around when the urge hits.  I look forward to the day when I can actually have a family dinner without reminding children not to chew with their mouths open or wipe their hands on a napkin and not their pants. I am looking forward to a life without fishing something out of the toilet, stepping on Legos in the dark, getting to eat a meal without being interrupted to referee a fight or wipe the toddler’s bum, and not have to get up in the middle of the night to help a puking child. I want to enjoy eternal presence with my children without the custodial tasks.

 

Maybe this is how Thou feels? After all, isn’t part of godhood having children eternally? I guess by the time someone is a god, the custodial tasks aren’t a big deal. At least the ones that span through mortality. Does it work out that the children that live with Thee eternally don’t demand any of Thy time or care? I am just wondering here. I don’t know for sure, but it seems like even though Thou loves us we can only live with Thee eternally when we are developmentally ready and do it of our own free will and accord. Otherwise it would be like living eternally in Thine mansion with spiritual toddlers, or worse, spoiled brats, whiny, careless kids, and misbehaving teens. No fun. I will always love my kids but I do look forward to them being adults.  They can always live with me if they really are down on their luck, as long as they aren’t misbehaving. If they do misbehave, they get to do it on their own dime, once they have reached 18. It sounds kind of harsh, but I am thinking, isn’t that how Thou parents? I think so.

 

I feel so blessed to know of Thee, God. I thank Thee for letting me know of Thee and that Thou art my Father. I feel so many possibilities!

 

Love,

Kate

copyright 2015 Celestia Shumway

In Chapter 6, Part 2 of Dates with God, we see Jill confront her hopelessness about ever being an organized homemaker and mom. She does a lost battle analysis and decides on a drill to help her prevent the lost battle from happening again. With her love of crafts, she starts looking for scriptures about the handiwork of God and His hands. This allows her to see how good it is to acknowledge the hand of God in her own life, even on the worst of days.

Jill Letter #6

 

Dear God,

What am I fighting for? To save my eternal marriage and family so I can have ultimate joy. I know that exaltation, or the highest joy in the kingdom of heaven, is eternal family life. Being happy up there will arise naturally from being happy down here. It all starts with my seemingly unimportant little goals, my Girl Goals, which help keep harmony and order in the home so that I want to have an eternal marriage and family. Let’s face it, I don’t want to be with my family when we are grouchy, but when we are all happy and loving, then I really enjoy it. I recognize that it’s easier to be happy and loving when we have regular meals and order to the chores and playtime. I am fighting to have dinner by 6 PM every night. I am fighting to work with kids after every meal on the dishes, instead of me doing them myself after I finally get them to bed or the next morning (ugh!), and to track my spending every day which allows me to stick to our budget.

 

Why am I fighting for these things? Because I love my family and I want to have fun with them without resenting them. I want to feel that I want to be with them for eternity! I want to create a stronger family with more order and unity for playtime, dinnertime, chore time, and bedtime. An earlier dinner helps us to have a more peaceful bedtime. I also want to stay out of debt.

 

Why don’t I give up?

Waaahhhh! Sometimes I do!!!!! But it doesn’t last long, because I know that wouldn’t give me joy for the long haul. I also want to show satan that I am firm and resolute and he can’t beat me!

I have a hard time though accepting that I am really in a battle. I just don’t want to believe it! I keep hearing a smooth voice in my head saying, “You’re not in a battle. Relax. Just go watch some Disney movies with the kids and bake some cookies. Play. Have fun. Don’t stress.”

 

Can’t we just say that satan can only attack us between 8 and 5 on weekdays? Not in the evenings or weekends? Why do we have to be on guard all the time? I hate having to watch out for the sneaky snake. I don’t like making dinner.  I don’t like telling kids to come do work. I don’t like cleaning up. In the late afternoon, and evening I get so tired. I want to just chill and play with my crafts and decorating projects. Rob wants to just relax at night. I always wonder what Rob does in his office all day that makes him so worn out. He is not fixing three meals, cleaning up after three meals, and chasing after kids to help with three meals. Not to mention keeping the kids from destroying themselves and the surroundings.

 

Dear God, sometimes I feel so hopeless. Can I ever be focused on all of the detailed, boring tasks of making a home run properly? I almost wish I could go back and not be a mom and have my mom be the mom and run things. She was so efficient and good at it. I know I would miss my cute kids though. I just don’t like having to interrupt my projects to clean, corral kids, or make dinner. I don’t like being with whiny kids. I don’t like making whiny kids do dishes. I wish I could just craft and blog and decorate all day every day. Ha-ha, Rob and my friends think that’s already what I do but it’s so not true.

 

I missed fixing dinner again by 6 PM.  I actually remembered to do my Lost Battle Analysis right away.

 

Q5, Level 5   Where? My house When? 6:15 PM

Q4, Level 4 Where? My house, on my phone When? In the late afternoon

Q3, Level 3 SAME AS ABOVE When ? Same

Q2, Level 2 build up of stress When? All through the day

Q1, Level 1 anger Same

What I would do differently if I could replay the event over is not check my phone until after 2 PM. I think I’m going to set an alarm on my phone to go off. I am labeling it “What are you fighting for?”

Then I am going to answer my question by saying out loud the three Girl Goals I have. Then I am going to do 5 push ups and some cheerleader jumps (yep, can still do them even with my weight gain!) while I listen to some of my girl warrior music on my iPhone.

 

I started looking up scriptures that have to do with “handiwork” because that’s one of my passions. Then I decided I wanted to look up scriptures that have to do with Thine hands. Here are some that I found:

 

“Open thy mouth, and it shall be filled, and I will give thee utterance, for all flesh is in my hands, and I will do as seemeth me good.” Moses 6:32

 

That scripture greatly comforts me. Along with the scripture that says,
“Be still and know that I am God.” They help me to quiet my mind instead of going along with the satanic spin. I’ve been saying it to myself every time this past week when I start to feel myself spinning.   I picture a ladybug on my hand. It can keep racing frantically to try to get out of my hand and fly away, or she could just sit back, trust, and enjoy the free ride. That’s how it us with us in God’s hands.

 

“Wherefore, I, Lehi, prophesy according to the workings of the Spirit which is in me, that there shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord.” 2 Nephi 1:6

 

In class every week Emma has been telling stories about her ancestors coming to America. She has an extremely dysfunctional family, so she’s finding healing in stories from way back of ancestors who did normal and even great things. She has found many stories of people who even did amazing things like seeking religious freedom, and being righteous family members who worked hard for their living. She told us all about Roger Williams, her 9th great grandfather. He was born in England and educated at Cambridge. He came to America in search for religious freedom ten years after the Mayflower Pilgrims arrived. When he disagreed with the narrow-minded church authorities in Massachusetts, he left in the middle of the night, before they could arrest him and ship him back to England. It was also in the middle of a blizzard so he had to walk in deep snow and hide out in the woods. He walked over 100 miles to the Wampanoag tribe of Indians where he befriended them and gratefully accepted their hospitality and shelter.

 

He eventually founded the colony of Rhode Island from land that he bought from these Indians. He called the capital city of Rhode Island “Providence” because he felt God had brought him there. He even gave his next daughter that name. He also established the first Baptist Church in America. At first he wanted to baptize all the Indians he could find, but then he decided that the valid church with power to baptize in Jesus’ name was not on the earth. He was also the first abolitionist in America and fought to ban slavery from all thirteen colonies. After Emma told us his story she shared 1 Nephi 1:6  with us to point out that there is a divinely-appointed reason that Roger came to America after he was born in England. It was so he could help increase religious freedom in America and open the way for other churches besides the Puritan brand of Christianity to be established here in America, especially the restoration of Jesus Christ’s true church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When I think about his descendants, I figure that probably all of them had to be born in America in order for them to have the freedom to grow and pursue their missions, including Emma.

 

“How have I seen the hand of God in my life today?” This isn’t a scripture, but it is from a General Conference talk by Pres. Henry B. Eyring, from October 2007 entitled “O Remember, Remember.” I heard about this from one of the ladies in the class. She asks herself this question every night in her letter to Thee. Then she writes the answer. It helps her to be more spiritually minded and grateful. I think I might start doing this. Pres. Eyring said he was told by a voice in his head to write down the moments he noticed in his life of people sharing God’s love by extending kindness to him, like the time his father-in-law walked past him late at night carrying pipes to work on building a pump for Pres. Eyring’s property. The voice told him to write these observations down not for himself but for others, especially his posterity. Then Pres. Eyring tells of how he obeyed that very night even though it was late. He got out some paper and wrote down this act of kindness towards his family. He continued to write consistently every day for a long time, answering this question every night. Eventually his children grew older and started reading from these journals and were blessed by seeing Thine Providence in their family’s life. I looked up the talk and found this quote:

 

“More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.”

 

I could use those blessings of increased testimony, gratitude, and softening and refining, so I am going to start doing this. My home needs to feel much more of those feelings, and I recognize that I am the instrument for those feelings to flow into my home.

 

“And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.” D&C 59:21

 

So acknowledging Thine hand is not just a nice, extra thing to do like putting fresh flowers in my living room or going out to eat every week. It is required if I want to be in harmony with Thee. Plus Thou wants me to obey Thine commandments. This seemed harsh to me at first, but when I think about my own kids and my relationship to them, it doesn’t seem harsh at all. My kids and I have a beautiful, fabulous home and family life, thanks to Thee,  thanks to Rob for working so hard to provide for us, and thanks to me for all my work of cleaning, organizing, and beautifying. Of course our life isn’t perfect but as my blog shows with all of the photos that I love to take, we have a beautiful home and lifestyle. I love crafting and designing and cooking and the fun parts of being a mom. I’ve given them everything they have, and they have hardly given anything back to me, in comparison. Just cuteness, smiles, and cuddles.

 

If I look at my own kids and how blessed they are because of me and my hands in their lives, getting them all the food they eat by planning for it, shopping for it, cooking it, and cleaning up afterward, getting them all of their clothes, keeping their clothes clean, and using my hands to create a beautiful, safe, and clean home for them, and they too all of the credit and didn’t acknowledge me ever, I would be mad. I can see how Thou would get mad if Thine children didn’t acknowledge Thee. What if my kids started a blog, and put pictures up of our beautiful home with all of my crafts and decorations and furniture and said that it all came from their work and didn’t mention me? You can bet I would definitely be steamed about their presumptuousness, their dishonesty, and their ingratitude. Maybe that’s just a smidgen of how Thou feels when I am ungrateful.

 

I’m starting to see the big picture. I ask Thee to continue to broaden my vision to what Thine vision is for me and my family through the eternities.

 

Love,

Jill